|Legian Beach, Bali 2008|
The other night the LOML had a dream.
He had a dream where he was talking to God.
God asked him a question.
'What is the purpose of your life?'
Not 'what is the meaning of your life?'. Not what is the meaning of life in general but what is the purpose of your life.
I found it quite spooky that the LOML had this dream. Not that he was talking to God, spooky in that he remembered his dream when he woke up and then told me about it hours later. I'm flat out remembering what I had for breakfast let along remembering what I dreamt about.
Spooky because for the last few weeks I have been pondering this very point. Mulling over it in my mind again and again, arguing with myself, talking to myself, going around and around in circles on the same topics, usually while trying to go to sleep at night.
I don't have children. I'm not going to have children. And just recently, for one reason or another, I've had a minor crisis regarding my purpose, my point of existence, my reason for existing if it's not to procreate and populate the world.
Don't get me wrong, I'm not in any way down with my life or my decision not to have kids but just recently I've felt super different from everyone around me. Different in a not-so-good way. Different enough to make me feel on the outer, to make me feel not part of the club.
I don't mind not being part of this particular club. Truly, it's my choice and one I am happy living with. But sometimes, like now, I wonder what, if I'm not being a mother, is my point?
I don't like feeling like this.
The LOML, in response to God's question, replied that I was his purpose for living (awww, love him) as was travel and experiencing.
I think that works for me too but I'm sure there's more. More to it. More to me. More to my reasons for being like I am, thinking like I do.
Sometimes I feel like I'm running out of time to work out what it is I want to do with my life, who I want to be when I grow up, where I want to end up.
Sometimes it all just overwhelms me.