Monday, February 6, 2012

Operation Matron Dress: less than 2 weeks to go!!! (otherwise known as, what else can go wrong)

I can't believe it.  What happened to January and it's well meaning weeks of actually following my plan and getting into shape in time for this wedding!  It's now less than 2 weeks to go (can you detect the touch of hysteria there?)!!!!

So a lot has happened recently - not all of it good.

Here's a run-down.....

On the plus side....I'm still off the sugar.  An occasional breakout, which I know now is followed by an awful (just awful) sugar low 24 hours later, but I think I am now in control - the foul, grumpy, nasty, sugar-craving me is just not a nice person to be around (even I don't want to be around me).  The cravings any other time have gone completely and my body shape has changed in ways I didn't think possible.  My top half looks all toned and (relatively) terrific despite the lack of exercise (see below), that is my tuckshop arm has decreased enough to look decent in a sleeveless dress, yet my ass has gotten wider and the scales are reading off the planet....I'm stumped.

I haven't been exercising (surprise, surprise) unless you count the hours of going up and down a ladder with all the hours of house painting I've been doing* - I have thighs of steel.  Not that it counts or has made much difference but it's the thought that counts right?  The treadmill remains dusty and with crap draped across it.  I'm lazy.  That's my excuse and I'm sticking to it!

As a result the dress still doesn't fit.  I had a minor meltdown a couple of weeks ago about that.  As much exercise as I actually did (not much), and as much as I watch what I put in my mouth (a whole lot more of that), there ain't no amount of starving myself that is going to get my hips narrower than my shoulders.  Full Stop. I don't even think there is a surgery that could fix that....

But that all whining and moaning and gnashing of teeth dissipated when I found out that the other matron doesn't even have a dress.  Huh?  That was my reaction but it turns out that this wedding is working on matching colours (hopefully) for the matrons rather than matching both colour and style of dresses.  Okay.  Works for me.  So with that in mind, yesterday at the rehearsal I took along a similar coloured dress I already had in my wardrobe that fits me nicely (still - and from my sister's wedding 10 years ago - boooyeah!) and suggested it instead......

To my utter extactic-ness, the best man's shirt matches it (booooyeah!) and it is all systems go on the dress that fits!!!  Yay!!!!  Oh yeah, and I also found out that I'm the actual Matron of Honour....not just a married-bridesmaid-called-a-matron.  Noice.  So now I'm freaking that there's all these 'things' that a Matron of Honour is expected to do for the bride before her wedding and I haven't done one of them....eeekkkk!  Worst Matron in the history of Matrons....

Now for the 'what else can go wrong' side...nothing that I can control but enough to make me shake my head at some people and remind me that some weddings can be incredibly stressful. my bride, as you may recall, is 75 years old.  Her husband-to-be's family pulled out months ago hence my elevation from guest/ cake maker to Matron (I'm at a loss as to why I am Matron of Honour and not her daughter-in-law who is the other bridesmaid/matron???).  And then this morning, my bride was told by her friend/neighbour/wedding organiser that she's done, she wants no part of this wedding, you're on your own.  Say what????  As you could expect, my bride is distraught.  This neighbour woman has been in control of all facets of the organisation - particularly the food.  My bride, my 75 year old and currently quite sick bride, now has to factor in cooking enough food to feed the masses in the lead-up to her big day.  What sort of person does this?  Two weeks out?  (truth be told, as I told my bride, better two weeks than two days).  Insane.  

After the initial shock and disbelief and 'what I am going to do' (plus a whole lot of tears) this morning, my bride is back on top and is happy that true colours have been shown now rather than later and that she can get on with the organisation herself and have the wedding she wants.  Turns out this friend/neighbour/wedding planner was adamant things happen her way.  I hesitate to say it might be for the best that this woman who has her bedroom full of stuffed teddy bears is not involved.....not that I have anything against a middle-aged woman having a room stuffed with teddy bears but it doesn't exactly scream grown up and adult to vicariously through others maybe???  If I find out she has 6 cats she fits the stereotype in my head very well.

And that's where we're at at the moment.  Personally I currently have a dining table full of sugar flowers and a calendar marked out with cake icing next week.  Please rain, don't come back for a bit, at least until after the wedding - I want my flowers not to droop.  I'm not panicking.  Not yet.  I'll let you know about that one come Thursday next week.

Here's hoping nothing else can go wrong for my bride.  

* the LOML and I are painting our rental house to sell :(  Not a happy choice we want to make but at least we have this choice....


  1. I know I shouldn't laugh at others' misfortune, but this is really material for a Hollywood blockbuster. I do hope everything goes well. Every bride deserves a wonderful day.

  2. Don't feel bad Fiona - I'm doing the nervous giggle myself! It probably would make a good movie - seemingly unrealistic category of events leading up to a happily-ever-after! I'm sure they could even pop in an action scene....big question though, who would play me ? :)


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